What We Leave Behind
by claywings
Summary: On the flight back home after the events of S10E4 "The Itch," JJ finds herself haunted by Jane's words. With each case, a piece of JJ is left behind. She fears that one day, there will be nothing left of her. Episode tag, with allusions to "200." JJ-centric, with eventual team/friendship fluff.


**Author's Note:** This is an episode tag to S10E4 "The Itch," inspired by JJ's scene with Jane. What started off as an angsty one-off turned into a longer story (possible three parter), so please stayed tuned for more. Thanks for reading!

* * *

JJ cherished these long flights back home after a case.

The white noise of the jet enveloped her frayed senses like a weighted blanket. She lowered her book, gazing out through the window beside her.

The world outside was pitch black, interrupted only by the occasional shimmering of lights from some small, sleepy town below.

It was almost peaceful. _Almost_.

JJ's eyes shifted focus, now seeing her reflection in the window. It took her a long, confusing moment before she recognized her own face. Her pale complexion. The tangled strands of her long, blonde hair. Even her blue eyes were full of shadows.

She looked and felt… hollow.

Is this what Jane had seen in the car, when she accused JJ of lies and conspiracy? Of killing her friend?

 _"I told you, we're not killers," JJ said earnestly. Countless times had JJ heard suspects defend their actions with those very words during interrogations. She never imagined herself saying them to anyone, let alone twice during this case._

 _For a beat, it seemed like JJ had finally reached Jane, the tormented woman who lost what little grasp she had of her world. Instead, Jane glared at JJ with such hatred and deep betrayal that chilled JJ to her bones._

 _"I don't believe you," spat Jane. "You used me. You tricked me… so you can get him."_

Even now, hundreds of miles away from Atlanta, she heard Jane's voice in her head. It played in a vicious loop, over and over, too loud for even the plane's engine to drown out. Suddenly, the jet felt increasingly small. Suffocating. There was nowhere to run away from her thoughts, from Jane's voice:

 _"Lies, lies, lies and more lies."_

JJ looked away from the window, half-heartedly trying to return to her book. But the letters became a blur, crawling across the page, almost nauseating.

"JJ?"

She almost didn't hear Hotch's voice.

It took everything in her to close the book, to swallow back the nausea and look up to meet Hotch's warm, concerned eyes. _Shit_. He towered over her, scanning her face before silently taking a seat across from her.

"What did Jane say to you?" he asked.

"It's really nothing I haven't heard before," said JJ. She hated how small her voices sounded to her. She forced herself to look at Hotch in the eyes, fighting every urge to look away.

"If that's true, then what's different this time?"

JJ knew there was no point in playing dumb or feigning otherwise – not to Hotch anyway, whom she had now worked with for over a decade. He knew all her tells. He knew when she was burned out from a case.

Yet… the JJ that Hotch knew well was _before_ Tivon Askari broke her.

The JJ that now sat in front of him was different. A little darker, and hell of a lot harder to read. They called her the glue of the team, but the truth is that she was now always on the brink of shattering back into a thousand pieces. Some glue she was.

"She said… that I used her. Tricked her."

"You know that's not true, JJ. You were just doing your job."

Hotch seemed surprised when she let out a bitter laugh.

"Funny, that's exactly what I said," said JJ. She traced her fingers along the sharp edges of her book, searching for the right words.

"You know, after all that we do… analyzing unsubs, thinking like them, predicting their next moves before they can lure their next victim…" She trailed off. Hotch waited for her to continue.

"Sometimes… it's hard to tell my own thoughts apart from theirs," JJ finally whispered. Her heart was pounding painfully against her chest. _Why did this feel like a confession?_

"She was right, Hotch. We _did_ use her. We _manipulated_ her for information –"

"JJ –"

"She was suffering and we took the one person that was keeping her tethered and what do we do? We just _left_ once the case was closed. To Jane, we're – we're no better than the monsters we claim to catch."

There it was. Her thoughts rearing its ugly head. That's when JJ realized that the plane has gone deadly silent. She knew the whole team was listening. JJ leaned back in her seat, letting out a deep sigh that completely drained her of any will to put up a fight.

There it was. That hollow feeling again.

She couldn't remember what had filled that void once.

"I'm sorry," JJ managed to say. "I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired."

Both Hotch and JJ knew she did. But that was something to be unpacked for another day.

"We can't help everyone, JJ. You know this. You've always known this."

JJ grew quiet. She gave him a small nod. Hotch sensed that their conversation had come to an end.

"And you've said it yourself," said Hotch, as gently as he can. "How do you help the people who refuse to be helped?"

Not expecting an answer, Hotch began to move out of his seat when he heard her mutter.

"Maybe some people can't be helped."

When he turned back to her, Hotch found JJ with her eyes closed, succumbing to restless sleep.


End file.
